i shouldn't have had the tea.  that's what 4:30am tells me.  you shouldn't
have had the tea at 11.  but so many nice people were here and i was so tired
and i didn't want to fade away from them.  i gave myself a fitful attempt
at sleep filled with anxiety dreams about the decisions i need to make. my
heart raced.  i wished for stillness.  too warm, blankets off.  too cold,
blankets on.  shift. shift. shift.  decisions.  possibilties.  the right
thing? everyone who was here tonight.  a core of closeness.  people who made
the year bearable.  will i ever see you again?  writing that brings the same 
tears to my eyes that i cried during the standing ovation curtain call of 
closing night.  wondering if that was the end.  i don't think i'm ready for
that.  emotional jelly.